1. I suffer from panic attacks and anxiety attacks....like several a day. It's overwhelming and scary when your heart feels like it stopped for a moment and your stomach knots up and it's all you can do to keep from crying in the middle of your office.
2. To get me through my panic attacks (along with the meds I've been given), I pray for the people I love the most, even if it hurts. I have found this week that when I'm grasping for a "normal moment" and trying to get out of my panicked state, if I stop and pray for them---their trials, their families, what's going on in their lives, praying that God would show up for them in big ways, or show them how much He's needed, it calms me down. It takes my focus off of me and what I'm struggling with and puts a positive light on it.
3. I try to control my relationships....I try to make the "best possible outcome" for all parties, when in reality, all I'm doing is trying to give the best possible outcome that doesn't get me hurt.
4. The reason I try to control the relationships is because I'm DEATHLY afraid of being hurt and left.
5. I started a step study program 2 weeks ago that has already started to kick my butt. It is an INTENSE program that is similar to AA, but deals with all kinds of issues, not just chemical dependency. It is running full force into my issues and getting to the core of the problem. IT IS SCARY to be face to face with issues I thought I had dealt with but obviously had really swept under the rug. It's not wasting time (and I'm thankful for that)!
6. I am a girl. I read into statements. I hold on to them and analyze them and dig into them and question them and....you get the picture. But I'm learning I can't do that. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting and usually I've interpreted it to be something completely different than it ever really meant anyway, so what's the point?!
7. I put hope in the "for nows" and "a little time." I won't change that. When someone says "just for now," I believe there's a chance for beauty from ashes. I put that hope in Christ and pray for His will (which I do secretly pray is the same thing I want! Come on....I'm human!!)
8. I can and will have freedom from my fear of being hurt. I am not wasting another precious moment living in this fear anymore. It has already affected the people I love the most in this world and I REFUSE to let it affect anyone for a second longer.
9. I have decided I am going to stop being afraid to step out of my box. New sports games, maybe some dancing lessons, registering for the 5k I've been wanting to do for 4 years, learning frisbee golf, maybe GOLF! (Don't get excited, Pop. You tried to teach me for years and it never made me be able to connect the club with the ball!) I stepped out of my comfort zone just this last Wednesday by getting my first 2 tattoos! It hurt like crazy, but it was so worth it!
10. I will have the victory in this. I'm not afraid of the hard work or the pain I'll have to relive to get through to the other side. I'm going to win this one. And the victory dance? It will be the sweetest thing you've ever seen.
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