Things I've Learned in the Last Three Weeks...

I don't know how I feel.  My head says I should be mad.  Or upset.  Or hurt.  My heart, on the other hand, is a little confused. 

I think God allows us to go through trials to mold us and shape us, to draw us closer to Him.  But I struggle sometimes with the free will part of the trials.  He gives us free will which allows people to do hurtful things like make commitments they don't follow through on, cheating, or lacking the integrity to be honest, no matter how it makes you look or feel.  The free will thing is where satan weasels his way in, making you think what you're doing is ok-"it's on the edge of the line, but not over it."  In reality, God is watching and probably saying something like "Really?  Have you been listening to anything I've been trying to tell you?"

I trust God with all my decisions, whether I like them or whether I don't.  I struggled with my move to Chicago this summer that fell through.  I almost exercised that free will and took a house on a month to month lease even though there was a possibility that I would've moved there and then not had a place to stay if they'd sold the house.  In the end, I prayed and God just didn't give me a peace about it.  I decided against going.  We tried to figure out why God had blocked every avenue.  When a job opportunity came up that could've potentially taken us out of Chicago, we said "that must be why," and when it fell through, it was "it must be something else."

Since December 15th, I've been really questioning and wondering what goes through people's heads.  This is what He laid on my heart....BIG TIME:

1.  It's My time, not yours.  I will lead you to where you need to be when I'm ready.
2.  I know the true character of people well before you will see it.  Trust Me to protect you.  Trust Me to protect the girls.
3.  Psalm 15:1-2 "O Lord, who may abide in Your tent? Who may dwell on Your holy hill?  He who walks with integrity, and works righteousness, and speaks truth in his heart."  (This verse literally came out of nowhere when I was crying out to God for answers.  I opened my Bible and came to this verse!)

I'm sad for the people who make decisions and call it "God's."  God certainly isn't going to have you begin a path that starts in sin and say "I'm gonna bless you!"  I know.  I've been there before.  You think you know what's good for you and fool yourself into believing it, because it's what you want so badly.  I read a quote from King's Cross the other day..."Sometimes, our deepest desires are really just our loudest desires."  It hit home.

So, in the end, I'm not angry or mad, or even upset.  (Maybe just a little hurt.)  I'm thankful for my free will, but I'm even more thankful I'm letting God carve out the path He has for me.  So whether His path is a new start in Chicago in August with my two fabulous daughters or something new I'd never dreamed of, I'm ready.  And I'm ok with it.