Shaking Off the Shame

Hi.  My name is Erin.  I've been divorced.  TWICE.  And I have two children....BY TWO DIFFERENT MEN.  I know, I know. It's a lot to take in.  It's a lot for me to take in.  And it's something I live with everyday.  No, this blog isn't about my kids.  And it isn't even about divorce.  It's about shame and how I've lived in it for years when I didn't have to.

I got married at 19 (VERY young) and had McKenna at 20.  I thought things were perfect.  (You mean you have to actually work at your marriage?  It's not just perfect from day one???)  And then my husband left.  Out of the blue.  Told me one night he was leaving.  So I was divorced at 24 with a small child.  Fast forward 8 months after my divorce was final and I found myself pregnant with Peyton and living with my boyfriend who I would marry just before she was born.  I was a little smarter, not very much wiser though and after some issues, left after 5 years.  Now, I was divorced twice with 2 amazing daughters.

There's the back story.  Here's what you might not know; that at 4 months pregnant with Peyton, a church I used to attend pulled me from nursery duty....."How can we have an unwed pregnant woman taking care of our children?  What kind of example is she?"  (Actual words.)  The people I was friends with stopped inviting me to their house for dinner.  (Apparently, divorce is contagious?!)

After my second divorce, it became even more interesting.  People would look confused when McKenna would be gone to Tennessee and I still had Peyton here (her dad didn't move until just this last year.)  When they both started going away for visitation, the gate agents at the airport would be quizzical when I'd need two separate tickets for two separate locations for my daughters.  People would ask where the girls' DAD lived.  I can't answer that (especially with the girls standing there) without saying they have different dads.  My favorite response from some people......"OH."  Like I'm just out there shacking up where ever I can.  Which affected how I saw myself in God's eyes.

I lived with that shame for several years.  Feeling dirty in God's eyes.  It didn't matter that I'd confessed my indiscretions to Christ, that I'd asked for His forgiveness and grace.  That I'd made amends for the wrong I did for my share in the destruction of my marriages.  I didn't think about the fact that I had an amazing relationship with God, honoring Him in study, prayer, and worship, and that I was dedicated to sharing Him with others.  I was stuck in this idea that I would never be good enough for Him.  And then something happened that made me radically change the way I thought.

I had been dating someone for a couple of months.  We had already become very serious.  He was on the phone with his best friend living in Texas and the friend was obviously asking questions about me....where I'm from, what I do, how long I was there visiting, stuff like that.  My boyfriend answered, "She's got 2 girls."  To which the next question was apparently-"Where are they while she's there?"  I'm walking through the kitchen as the question was asked and here was the answer given to the friend....."They're in Tennessee."  AND I STOPPED DEAD IN MY TRACKS.  You see, for those of you who don't know me, my girls do NOT go to Tennessee.  McKENNA goes to Tennessee.  Peyton goes to California.  It's a consequence of my actions.

He got off the phone.
Me:  "Are you ashamed of me?" 
Him:  "No.  Why?"
Me:  "Then why did you lie?"
Him:  "About what?"
Me:  "Really???  My GIRLS don't go to Tennessee.  Why didn't you just tell him?"
And here is the answer I got.  "You know how we grew up.  I just didn't want him to judge you for having two kids by two dads until he gets to know you.  I don't want him to think less of you before he meets you in person."

It hit me literally in that moment that he said that.  I live in my shame because I LET myself believe the way he was speaking.  The fact is, Christ loves me no matter what I do.  He died for me.  He extends His grace and mercy every day.  He tells me that I'm a new creature in Him.  He says my sins are as far as the east is from the west when I ask for forgiveness, so why should I live in that shame every day?  Why should the girls see that?  I got down on my knees that night and begged Him to take that shame away, to take the scales off my eyes and see the beauty that He created from the mess I'd made.

I was told this last year (by that same person) that I sometimes share things that I shouldn't too soon.  That I shouldn't tell my story.  Here's what I say to that......BOOOOOOOO!

I made mistakes. I learned from them and I grew up.  If telling my story helps one person, then it's worth telling...No matter how many times I'm judged.  No matter how many times I'm looked down on.  (And I've been told more than once, that it HAS helped.)  I pour myself out so that people can see how much of a hot mess you can be when God sweeps in and transforms your life into something beautiful from the ashes. 

God came to heal the broken.  That's me.  That's you.  He was walking with me EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.....when I acknowledged His presence and even when I didn't.  When I fell flat on my face then and when I'm walking tall now. 

My story isn't over yet.  I know I'll still keep making dumb mistakes.  But what's different between then and now is that I have Him as my focus.  I don't need that shame anymore.  I'll use my story to give Him the glory.  And I'm ok with that!