Shaking Off the Shame

Hi.  My name is Erin.  I've been divorced.  TWICE.  And I have two children....BY TWO DIFFERENT MEN.  I know, I know. It's a lot to take in.  It's a lot for me to take in.  And it's something I live with everyday.  No, this blog isn't about my kids.  And it isn't even about divorce.  It's about shame and how I've lived in it for years when I didn't have to.

I got married at 19 (VERY young) and had McKenna at 20.  I thought things were perfect.  (You mean you have to actually work at your marriage?  It's not just perfect from day one???)  And then my husband left.  Out of the blue.  Told me one night he was leaving.  So I was divorced at 24 with a small child.  Fast forward 8 months after my divorce was final and I found myself pregnant with Peyton and living with my boyfriend who I would marry just before she was born.  I was a little smarter, not very much wiser though and after some issues, left after 5 years.  Now, I was divorced twice with 2 amazing daughters.

There's the back story.  Here's what you might not know; that at 4 months pregnant with Peyton, a church I used to attend pulled me from nursery duty....."How can we have an unwed pregnant woman taking care of our children?  What kind of example is she?"  (Actual words.)  The people I was friends with stopped inviting me to their house for dinner.  (Apparently, divorce is contagious?!)

After my second divorce, it became even more interesting.  People would look confused when McKenna would be gone to Tennessee and I still had Peyton here (her dad didn't move until just this last year.)  When they both started going away for visitation, the gate agents at the airport would be quizzical when I'd need two separate tickets for two separate locations for my daughters.  People would ask where the girls' DAD lived.  I can't answer that (especially with the girls standing there) without saying they have different dads.  My favorite response from some people......"OH."  Like I'm just out there shacking up where ever I can.  Which affected how I saw myself in God's eyes.

I lived with that shame for several years.  Feeling dirty in God's eyes.  It didn't matter that I'd confessed my indiscretions to Christ, that I'd asked for His forgiveness and grace.  That I'd made amends for the wrong I did for my share in the destruction of my marriages.  I didn't think about the fact that I had an amazing relationship with God, honoring Him in study, prayer, and worship, and that I was dedicated to sharing Him with others.  I was stuck in this idea that I would never be good enough for Him.  And then something happened that made me radically change the way I thought.

I had been dating someone for a couple of months.  We had already become very serious.  He was on the phone with his best friend living in Texas and the friend was obviously asking questions about me....where I'm from, what I do, how long I was there visiting, stuff like that.  My boyfriend answered, "She's got 2 girls."  To which the next question was apparently-"Where are they while she's there?"  I'm walking through the kitchen as the question was asked and here was the answer given to the friend....."They're in Tennessee."  AND I STOPPED DEAD IN MY TRACKS.  You see, for those of you who don't know me, my girls do NOT go to Tennessee.  McKENNA goes to Tennessee.  Peyton goes to California.  It's a consequence of my actions.

He got off the phone.
Me:  "Are you ashamed of me?" 
Him:  "No.  Why?"
Me:  "Then why did you lie?"
Him:  "About what?"
Me:  "Really???  My GIRLS don't go to Tennessee.  Why didn't you just tell him?"
And here is the answer I got.  "You know how we grew up.  I just didn't want him to judge you for having two kids by two dads until he gets to know you.  I don't want him to think less of you before he meets you in person."

It hit me literally in that moment that he said that.  I live in my shame because I LET myself believe the way he was speaking.  The fact is, Christ loves me no matter what I do.  He died for me.  He extends His grace and mercy every day.  He tells me that I'm a new creature in Him.  He says my sins are as far as the east is from the west when I ask for forgiveness, so why should I live in that shame every day?  Why should the girls see that?  I got down on my knees that night and begged Him to take that shame away, to take the scales off my eyes and see the beauty that He created from the mess I'd made.

I was told this last year (by that same person) that I sometimes share things that I shouldn't too soon.  That I shouldn't tell my story.  Here's what I say to that......BOOOOOOOO!

I made mistakes. I learned from them and I grew up.  If telling my story helps one person, then it's worth telling...No matter how many times I'm judged.  No matter how many times I'm looked down on.  (And I've been told more than once, that it HAS helped.)  I pour myself out so that people can see how much of a hot mess you can be when God sweeps in and transforms your life into something beautiful from the ashes. 

God came to heal the broken.  That's me.  That's you.  He was walking with me EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.....when I acknowledged His presence and even when I didn't.  When I fell flat on my face then and when I'm walking tall now. 

My story isn't over yet.  I know I'll still keep making dumb mistakes.  But what's different between then and now is that I have Him as my focus.  I don't need that shame anymore.  I'll use my story to give Him the glory.  And I'm ok with that!

A 7 Year Old's Point of View....

The girls and I have talked a lot about how sidetracked people can get from following God.  How one step turns into two and before long, you look back and you realize just how far off the path you've gotten.  Following Christ is not always an easy road, but it's definitely a road that I think (if you stay on it) will bring you more joy and peace than any other.  I'm not saying I'm perfect.  I still like to do things my way, but I can always see when I'm off and I can tell in my life when it happens. Here's the reason I'm writing this.....I'm extremely proud of how my girls are growing in Christ and understanding.

Last night, I was talking to Peyton about this very topic.  And this is what she said:
"It's like when satan had to come out of heaven because he was a bad angel, he tries to get into our hearts where Jesus lives.  Even though Jesus lives there, if we're not paying attention, satan cuts a little piece out and puts his piece in there.  It makes us not follow Jesus and follow the world instead.  But when we ask Jesus to help us and forgive us for what we're doing, Jesus takes that piece out that's satan's and throws it away and puts His piece back in there, so we're following Him again."

Pretty intuitive for a 7 year old.  These girls have it.  They know.  And I'm so excited to see them grow in Christ.  I watch them take situations they're put in or see and they tell ME how Jesus is going to work and what He can do for us!  And I just keep praying that as they mature, they remember these talks...about being sidetracked, about staying focused on Christ and honoring Him.  God will take care of the rest!

Things I've Learned in the Last Three Weeks...

I don't know how I feel.  My head says I should be mad.  Or upset.  Or hurt.  My heart, on the other hand, is a little confused. 

I think God allows us to go through trials to mold us and shape us, to draw us closer to Him.  But I struggle sometimes with the free will part of the trials.  He gives us free will which allows people to do hurtful things like make commitments they don't follow through on, cheating, or lacking the integrity to be honest, no matter how it makes you look or feel.  The free will thing is where satan weasels his way in, making you think what you're doing is ok-"it's on the edge of the line, but not over it."  In reality, God is watching and probably saying something like "Really?  Have you been listening to anything I've been trying to tell you?"

I trust God with all my decisions, whether I like them or whether I don't.  I struggled with my move to Chicago this summer that fell through.  I almost exercised that free will and took a house on a month to month lease even though there was a possibility that I would've moved there and then not had a place to stay if they'd sold the house.  In the end, I prayed and God just didn't give me a peace about it.  I decided against going.  We tried to figure out why God had blocked every avenue.  When a job opportunity came up that could've potentially taken us out of Chicago, we said "that must be why," and when it fell through, it was "it must be something else."

Since December 15th, I've been really questioning and wondering what goes through people's heads.  This is what He laid on my heart....BIG TIME:

1.  It's My time, not yours.  I will lead you to where you need to be when I'm ready.
2.  I know the true character of people well before you will see it.  Trust Me to protect you.  Trust Me to protect the girls.
3.  Psalm 15:1-2 "O Lord, who may abide in Your tent? Who may dwell on Your holy hill?  He who walks with integrity, and works righteousness, and speaks truth in his heart."  (This verse literally came out of nowhere when I was crying out to God for answers.  I opened my Bible and came to this verse!)

I'm sad for the people who make decisions and call it "God's."  God certainly isn't going to have you begin a path that starts in sin and say "I'm gonna bless you!"  I know.  I've been there before.  You think you know what's good for you and fool yourself into believing it, because it's what you want so badly.  I read a quote from King's Cross the other day..."Sometimes, our deepest desires are really just our loudest desires."  It hit home.

So, in the end, I'm not angry or mad, or even upset.  (Maybe just a little hurt.)  I'm thankful for my free will, but I'm even more thankful I'm letting God carve out the path He has for me.  So whether His path is a new start in Chicago in August with my two fabulous daughters or something new I'd never dreamed of, I'm ready.  And I'm ok with it.