This last weekend, I went to the Women of Faith conference in Denver by myself. I've been feeling a little disconnected for the last several weeks and needed an opportunity to recharge and reconnect with God. I came into the conference a little broken because I'm still dealing with the fallout of a recent struggle, and it's been a challenge for me to stay focused on what is supposed to be the center of my life (God, in case you didn't know!). I knew two of the speakers--Sheila Walsh, (who's one of my favorite speakers/authors) and Lisa Harper who is a riot! I didn't know much of anyone else on stage, but just really needed to be in the midst of thousands of women wanting to celebrate Jesus. Anyway, I had the most amazing "God Moment" and I needed to share it with you....
I rode the light rail from my hotel off Arapaho Road by the Denver Tech Center to the Pepsi Center on Friday evening and on my way home, a lady from the conference sat across from me and randomly chatted about what was going on in her life. A client from her office had come in several months ago with pre-purchased tickets to the WOF conference and asked her to take one as a gift! She accepted, although she wasn't sure she would really be able to go. You see a little over a year ago, her daughter died. I don't know how, but I know she was struggling with the sadness of losing her 27 year old sweet girl. And despite her sorrow, she decided to go ahead and come and see what the Women of Faith was about.
I don't know this lady's name, but when I climbed into bed on Friday night, I felt the Holy Spirit urging me to pray for her, so I did. I talked to God about her and told Him what I saw. I asked him to please just show up for her in a mighty way. I prayed that she would KNOW that she was not alone in this struggle and pain. I wanted her to know that God, no matter how hurt she was, was right in the middle of her suffering and was holding on to her.
The next day, Angie Smith got up to speak. She is the wife of the lead singer (Todd Smith) of Selah. I knew NOTHING about her. As she spoke, she began to tell her story of her family. How 4 1/2 years ago, at an 18 week ultrasound, they found out that their sweet daughter, Audrey, was not developing and would not survive. Angie and Todd made the decision to continue the pregnancy and trust God. She went on to say that Audrey was born at 39 weeks, and she lived for just 2 1/2 hours. But she got to see her sweet Audrey and hold her and "love her a lifetime's worth." Then, she asked that if any women felt comfortable, that there was no pressure, she wanted any women in the audience who had lost a child to stand up and be acknowledged so that they could know they weren't alone, that there were people who understood exactly how they felt. So many women stood. It was the one of the most bittersweet moments I've ever experienced.
And right here is where my God moment happened......you see, in that moment, I felt Him. I knew He was there. And I knew He was speaking to her. I knew He was loving that woman from the train. God had not only SHOWN this woman that He was right in the midst of her sorrow, holding her hand, but that she was not alone. And He gave me a visibly answered prayer.
I know He answers prayer, but sometimes in the Christian life, we say "He answers prayers," or "We just need to trust Him," or "God is good," but sometimes it's just words. Sometimes we forget....we say it, but it's because we're conditioned to say it or it's what we've been taught a "good Christian" says. To be reminded in the middle of my own struggles and sorrows that He hears me, to see that tangible evidence.......it was almost overwhelming. He hears me. He hears her. He hears you. And we're not alone. Not ever. Not even for a second.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Freedom in Forgiveness
It's very easy to become weighed down in the hurt and pain of a betrayal, a wrongdoing. You want the other person to feel the heartache they caused, to feel what you felt.
I was faced with this just this last week. I was angry and confused. And for a couple of days, all I could think about was the anticipation of them feeling the darkness that they caused me to feel. But one single moment of clarity in a prayer, A God moment, stopped me from using that anger destructively....
The cross. If Jesus can forgive me when I've turned my back on Him, when I've lived in the world and tried to pretend He didn't exist, when I've hurt others....if He could forgive me for every one of my failures, how could I not give this person the same extravagant gift? Forgiveness.
Are we not human? Are we not allowed to make mistakes? The thought of making someone live a life bogged down in guilt just seems so wrong. Jesus says when we ask for forgiveness, it's gone. We don't have to worry that He'll take it back, that He'll make us pay for it later. Even in His final moments on the cross, "Forgive them..." is what He uttered. If He could forgive us of our sins and pay the penalty for our failures by dying for us, I can surely give something as simple as forgiveness to a fellow human being.....to give them the opportunity to start fresh and learn from their mistakes and move forward.
So that's the gift I give....freedom through forgiveness. And I'M free because of it....free from anger. Free from bitter resentment. Free from betrayal. By forgiving, I've given them and myself the freedom we both need.
So, today, forgiveness is the gift I give. How about you? Who's ready to let go, to give the gift to someone who doesn't deserve it, but desperately needs it?
I was faced with this just this last week. I was angry and confused. And for a couple of days, all I could think about was the anticipation of them feeling the darkness that they caused me to feel. But one single moment of clarity in a prayer, A God moment, stopped me from using that anger destructively....
The cross. If Jesus can forgive me when I've turned my back on Him, when I've lived in the world and tried to pretend He didn't exist, when I've hurt others....if He could forgive me for every one of my failures, how could I not give this person the same extravagant gift? Forgiveness.
Are we not human? Are we not allowed to make mistakes? The thought of making someone live a life bogged down in guilt just seems so wrong. Jesus says when we ask for forgiveness, it's gone. We don't have to worry that He'll take it back, that He'll make us pay for it later. Even in His final moments on the cross, "Forgive them..." is what He uttered. If He could forgive us of our sins and pay the penalty for our failures by dying for us, I can surely give something as simple as forgiveness to a fellow human being.....to give them the opportunity to start fresh and learn from their mistakes and move forward.
So that's the gift I give....freedom through forgiveness. And I'M free because of it....free from anger. Free from bitter resentment. Free from betrayal. By forgiving, I've given them and myself the freedom we both need.
So, today, forgiveness is the gift I give. How about you? Who's ready to let go, to give the gift to someone who doesn't deserve it, but desperately needs it?
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Use me!
"Use me, Lord."
That is my prayer....it has been for a while now. And I mean it. For the last 3 months, I've been quieter, seeking Christ at every turn and trying to really listen for Him. And He's been so clear. He's given me opportunity after opportunity to let Him shine through me. Because that's ultimately what it's all about. I want to be that drink offering I learned about it Sown so many months ago. I want to be so full of Christ that it pours out onto other people. I want His Perfect Peace in me.
I joked around with Laura (founder of Sown) a couple of weeks. I told her, "I said to God 'use me,' but I didn't mean ALL of me!" But that's how God has decided to work. He's been giving me opportunities to speak with dear friends about challenges they're facing. He allowed me to practice immediate obedience in a situation where I, as a selfish human, could have ignored Him and done what I wanted to do. He's spoken through me to a group of women that are desperate to stain their lives with God's truth. It's truly beautiful. He's allowing me to become a mentor to a woman who, in turn, is going to mentor someone else! He's given me the gift of watching a woman finally understand what that peace is God gives to us and the moment when we realize He'll take any burden for us....if we really let go of it. He answered my prayer in a different way when I found out that I'll still have to pay money back that I didn't know I owed. I prayed for grace on that one....He gave grace a different way. (He'll reveal that one to me eventually, I'm sure!) All of this has been in the last 4 weeks or so!
At one point, I felt so stretched thin, but every time I've felt so weary and thought "Really, God? How are You going to use this?", He's shown me some blessing or an A-HA moment that makes me say, "Ok....You got this!"
Now, I say....BRING IT ON. I'll do whatever it is He asks. I'll take whatever He wants me to take. Because I'm SURE if I handle it with Christ as my foundation, it will bring Him honor. If I seek Him in every situation, it will bring Him glory. If I keep focused on His love and mercy, it will bring Him praise.
I can't wait to see what God has in store for me next. Because if it's anything like it's been in the last 4 weeks, He's just getting warmed up!
That is my prayer....it has been for a while now. And I mean it. For the last 3 months, I've been quieter, seeking Christ at every turn and trying to really listen for Him. And He's been so clear. He's given me opportunity after opportunity to let Him shine through me. Because that's ultimately what it's all about. I want to be that drink offering I learned about it Sown so many months ago. I want to be so full of Christ that it pours out onto other people. I want His Perfect Peace in me.
I joked around with Laura (founder of Sown) a couple of weeks. I told her, "I said to God 'use me,' but I didn't mean ALL of me!" But that's how God has decided to work. He's been giving me opportunities to speak with dear friends about challenges they're facing. He allowed me to practice immediate obedience in a situation where I, as a selfish human, could have ignored Him and done what I wanted to do. He's spoken through me to a group of women that are desperate to stain their lives with God's truth. It's truly beautiful. He's allowing me to become a mentor to a woman who, in turn, is going to mentor someone else! He's given me the gift of watching a woman finally understand what that peace is God gives to us and the moment when we realize He'll take any burden for us....if we really let go of it. He answered my prayer in a different way when I found out that I'll still have to pay money back that I didn't know I owed. I prayed for grace on that one....He gave grace a different way. (He'll reveal that one to me eventually, I'm sure!) All of this has been in the last 4 weeks or so!
At one point, I felt so stretched thin, but every time I've felt so weary and thought "Really, God? How are You going to use this?", He's shown me some blessing or an A-HA moment that makes me say, "Ok....You got this!"
Now, I say....BRING IT ON. I'll do whatever it is He asks. I'll take whatever He wants me to take. Because I'm SURE if I handle it with Christ as my foundation, it will bring Him honor. If I seek Him in every situation, it will bring Him glory. If I keep focused on His love and mercy, it will bring Him praise.
I can't wait to see what God has in store for me next. Because if it's anything like it's been in the last 4 weeks, He's just getting warmed up!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Blessings at the Rock Show!
I wish there were enough adjectives in my vocabulary to describe the feeling I had. Awesome, spectacular, amazing, glorifying....those are just a few.
I took the girls to the Rock and Worship Road Show this last Sunday in Colorado Springs. We drove up Sunday after church with some friends, Rick and RJ, and when we drove up to the World Arena, we saw the most amazing sight....THOUSANDS of people waiting to get in and see 7 gifted bands! We got into the venue and secured five seats just four rows from the front. The kids were thrilled! Truth be told, I was probably more excited than they were! And probably even more exciting to me---the arena sold out! Not a single seat was left. AND THAT INCLUDES THE SEATS THAT WERE BEHIND THE STAGE!
Here's the lineup-
1. So many people, in one place, praising God.
I'm posting a couple of pictures. I'm also adding a couple of links to some of the artists. Hope you enjoy!
The Rend Collective Experiment..... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hABUNWk6sXc&ob=av2e
Lecrae (I'm putting 2 links for him because I liked him so much!).....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHnZRZiCYHE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxZk1DouwYc
Moriah Peters....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rL2bZfHmsDs
I took the girls to the Rock and Worship Road Show this last Sunday in Colorado Springs. We drove up Sunday after church with some friends, Rick and RJ, and when we drove up to the World Arena, we saw the most amazing sight....THOUSANDS of people waiting to get in and see 7 gifted bands! We got into the venue and secured five seats just four rows from the front. The kids were thrilled! Truth be told, I was probably more excited than they were! And probably even more exciting to me---the arena sold out! Not a single seat was left. AND THAT INCLUDES THE SEATS THAT WERE BEHIND THE STAGE!
Here's the lineup-
- Moriah Peters-
- The Rend Collective Experiment
- Sidewalk Prophets
- Disciple
- Hawk Nelson
- Lecrae
- Tenth Avenue North
- Mercy Me
1. So many people, in one place, praising God.
- There were young, old, hurting, and happy, coming together for a common reason-to praise Him in music! All of those voices, singing with the bands to Him....it was thrilling!
- It didn't matter if hip hop was your thing, when Disciple (a hard Christian rock group) got up there, those people STILL danced, still sang, still screamed! And the people who might've come to see Hawk Nelson (alternative Christian) had fists pumped and were dancing to Mercy Me's "Move!" It was incredible. It didn't matter what you preferred, we were all united in one goal-lifting our voices to Jesus.
- Lecrae is a hip hop Christian artist and I know a lot of people would argue that the two can't go together. But THEY ARE WRONG. He is bold. "One-one-six" he kept saying...referencing Romans 1:16-"For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes..."
- Lecrae said this at the concert-"What is this? Is it possible for hip hop and God to go together? Let me tell you something. The earth is the Lord's and everything therein. This belongs to Him. The problem is not with the music, it's with the hearts of men. But if God gets a hold of our hearts and transforms us, we can transform music for His name and His glory."
- My purpose in this life is to have less of me and more of Him. To be so full of Christ that He pours out on everyone and everything that surrounds me. This includes my children. I want them to love God and worship Him and praise Him as longingly as I want to and do. And watching them, arms raised to Jesus, eyes closed, soaking in His love and joy....it was just so fulfilling. They're still talking about it. They're sharing it with their friends. They're listening to the music. They. Are. Loving. Jesus.
I'm posting a couple of pictures. I'm also adding a couple of links to some of the artists. Hope you enjoy!
The Rend Collective Experiment..... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hABUNWk6sXc&ob=av2e
Lecrae (I'm putting 2 links for him because I liked him so much!).....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHnZRZiCYHE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxZk1DouwYc
Moriah Peters....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rL2bZfHmsDs
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Parental Failure
There are days when I fail at parenting....like epic fail. The valuable lessons of treating each other with respect, using kind words, not being impatient, all get thrown out the window when I'm yelling at them to stop talking because I'm doing homework. I feel bad when Peyton asks me to please play a game and I'm too busy reading my history assignment or posting the latest quote I found on Facebook. And then I wonder why there's hostility in my home towards each other at times. Are we really that dysfunctional?
And then, things happen, like this weekend, that shows me that even though my parenting isn't perfect, some valuable lessons are sinking in.
This last Saturday, I reached the edge of my insanity when the girls continued to argue, despite being told a MILLION times to stop. I sat them down in my bedroom and started to ask them why. Why can't we just get along. After some lame excuses, I just told them both to be quiet and listen. This is what I said...
"There is only one Peyton to you, McKenna. And Peyton, there is only one McKenna for you. One day, you will both be grown and move away, but you'll still be sisters. What's the rule in our house? We build each other up. We don't tear each other down. Someday, we won't be here to say 'I love you' or 'you're important' or remind each other how special we are. And I don't want your growing up days to be filled with angry words or unkind thoughts to each other."
At that point, Peyton started crying. I asked her what was wrong. "I've been so mean to Sissy and forgot how special she is."
Three days later, McKenna and I were discussing what to treat them to for their Valentine's Day dinner. McKenna says to me, "Let's check with Peyton to see if she likes that. It's HER Valentine's Day, too."
It was in those moments I realized something....there WILL be days when I fail at parenting. I will miss the boat and hurt my girls. Unintentionally, of course, but it will happen. But you know what? There will also be days when I win....like slam dunk, Super Bowl, inherit a million dollars win! And when those moments happen, my plan is to hang on to those and ask God to remind me of them when I feel a failure moment coming on.
You know what else? Next time, I'm playing that game with them when they ask. Skip-bo anyone?!
And then, things happen, like this weekend, that shows me that even though my parenting isn't perfect, some valuable lessons are sinking in.
This last Saturday, I reached the edge of my insanity when the girls continued to argue, despite being told a MILLION times to stop. I sat them down in my bedroom and started to ask them why. Why can't we just get along. After some lame excuses, I just told them both to be quiet and listen. This is what I said...
"There is only one Peyton to you, McKenna. And Peyton, there is only one McKenna for you. One day, you will both be grown and move away, but you'll still be sisters. What's the rule in our house? We build each other up. We don't tear each other down. Someday, we won't be here to say 'I love you' or 'you're important' or remind each other how special we are. And I don't want your growing up days to be filled with angry words or unkind thoughts to each other."
At that point, Peyton started crying. I asked her what was wrong. "I've been so mean to Sissy and forgot how special she is."
Three days later, McKenna and I were discussing what to treat them to for their Valentine's Day dinner. McKenna says to me, "Let's check with Peyton to see if she likes that. It's HER Valentine's Day, too."
It was in those moments I realized something....there WILL be days when I fail at parenting. I will miss the boat and hurt my girls. Unintentionally, of course, but it will happen. But you know what? There will also be days when I win....like slam dunk, Super Bowl, inherit a million dollars win! And when those moments happen, my plan is to hang on to those and ask God to remind me of them when I feel a failure moment coming on.
You know what else? Next time, I'm playing that game with them when they ask. Skip-bo anyone?!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Shaking Off the Shame
Hi. My name is Erin. I've been divorced. TWICE. And I have two children....BY TWO DIFFERENT MEN. I know, I know. It's a lot to take in. It's a lot for me to take in. And it's something I live with everyday. No, this blog isn't about my kids. And it isn't even about divorce. It's about shame and how I've lived in it for years when I didn't have to.
I got married at 19 (VERY young) and had McKenna at 20. I thought things were perfect. (You mean you have to actually work at your marriage? It's not just perfect from day one???) And then my husband left. Out of the blue. Told me one night he was leaving. So I was divorced at 24 with a small child. Fast forward 8 months after my divorce was final and I found myself pregnant with Peyton and living with my boyfriend who I would marry just before she was born. I was a little smarter, not very much wiser though and after some issues, left after 5 years. Now, I was divorced twice with 2 amazing daughters.
There's the back story. Here's what you might not know; that at 4 months pregnant with Peyton, a church I used to attend pulled me from nursery duty....."How can we have an unwed pregnant woman taking care of our children? What kind of example is she?" (Actual words.) The people I was friends with stopped inviting me to their house for dinner. (Apparently, divorce is contagious?!)
After my second divorce, it became even more interesting. People would look confused when McKenna would be gone to Tennessee and I still had Peyton here (her dad didn't move until just this last year.) When they both started going away for visitation, the gate agents at the airport would be quizzical when I'd need two separate tickets for two separate locations for my daughters. People would ask where the girls' DAD lived. I can't answer that (especially with the girls standing there) without saying they have different dads. My favorite response from some people......"OH." Like I'm just out there shacking up where ever I can. Which affected how I saw myself in God's eyes.
I lived with that shame for several years. Feeling dirty in God's eyes. It didn't matter that I'd confessed my indiscretions to Christ, that I'd asked for His forgiveness and grace. That I'd made amends for the wrong I did for my share in the destruction of my marriages. I didn't think about the fact that I had an amazing relationship with God, honoring Him in study, prayer, and worship, and that I was dedicated to sharing Him with others. I was stuck in this idea that I would never be good enough for Him. And then something happened that made me radically change the way I thought.
I had been dating someone for a couple of months. We had already become very serious. He was on the phone with his best friend living in Texas and the friend was obviously asking questions about me....where I'm from, what I do, how long I was there visiting, stuff like that. My boyfriend answered, "She's got 2 girls." To which the next question was apparently-"Where are they while she's there?" I'm walking through the kitchen as the question was asked and here was the answer given to the friend....."They're in Tennessee." AND I STOPPED DEAD IN MY TRACKS. You see, for those of you who don't know me, my girls do NOT go to Tennessee. McKENNA goes to Tennessee. Peyton goes to California. It's a consequence of my actions.
He got off the phone.
Me: "Are you ashamed of me?"
Him: "No. Why?"
Me: "Then why did you lie?"
Him: "About what?"
Me: "Really??? My GIRLS don't go to Tennessee. Why didn't you just tell him?"
And here is the answer I got. "You know how we grew up. I just didn't want him to judge you for having two kids by two dads until he gets to know you. I don't want him to think less of you before he meets you in person."
It hit me literally in that moment that he said that. I live in my shame because I LET myself believe the way he was speaking. The fact is, Christ loves me no matter what I do. He died for me. He extends His grace and mercy every day. He tells me that I'm a new creature in Him. He says my sins are as far as the east is from the west when I ask for forgiveness, so why should I live in that shame every day? Why should the girls see that? I got down on my knees that night and begged Him to take that shame away, to take the scales off my eyes and see the beauty that He created from the mess I'd made.
I was told this last year (by that same person) that I sometimes share things that I shouldn't too soon. That I shouldn't tell my story. Here's what I say to that......BOOOOOOOO!
I made mistakes. I learned from them and I grew up. If telling my story helps one person, then it's worth telling...No matter how many times I'm judged. No matter how many times I'm looked down on. (And I've been told more than once, that it HAS helped.) I pour myself out so that people can see how much of a hot mess you can be when God sweeps in and transforms your life into something beautiful from the ashes.
God came to heal the broken. That's me. That's you. He was walking with me EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.....when I acknowledged His presence and even when I didn't. When I fell flat on my face then and when I'm walking tall now.
My story isn't over yet. I know I'll still keep making dumb mistakes. But what's different between then and now is that I have Him as my focus. I don't need that shame anymore. I'll use my story to give Him the glory. And I'm ok with that!
I got married at 19 (VERY young) and had McKenna at 20. I thought things were perfect. (You mean you have to actually work at your marriage? It's not just perfect from day one???) And then my husband left. Out of the blue. Told me one night he was leaving. So I was divorced at 24 with a small child. Fast forward 8 months after my divorce was final and I found myself pregnant with Peyton and living with my boyfriend who I would marry just before she was born. I was a little smarter, not very much wiser though and after some issues, left after 5 years. Now, I was divorced twice with 2 amazing daughters.
There's the back story. Here's what you might not know; that at 4 months pregnant with Peyton, a church I used to attend pulled me from nursery duty....."How can we have an unwed pregnant woman taking care of our children? What kind of example is she?" (Actual words.) The people I was friends with stopped inviting me to their house for dinner. (Apparently, divorce is contagious?!)
After my second divorce, it became even more interesting. People would look confused when McKenna would be gone to Tennessee and I still had Peyton here (her dad didn't move until just this last year.) When they both started going away for visitation, the gate agents at the airport would be quizzical when I'd need two separate tickets for two separate locations for my daughters. People would ask where the girls' DAD lived. I can't answer that (especially with the girls standing there) without saying they have different dads. My favorite response from some people......"OH." Like I'm just out there shacking up where ever I can. Which affected how I saw myself in God's eyes.
I lived with that shame for several years. Feeling dirty in God's eyes. It didn't matter that I'd confessed my indiscretions to Christ, that I'd asked for His forgiveness and grace. That I'd made amends for the wrong I did for my share in the destruction of my marriages. I didn't think about the fact that I had an amazing relationship with God, honoring Him in study, prayer, and worship, and that I was dedicated to sharing Him with others. I was stuck in this idea that I would never be good enough for Him. And then something happened that made me radically change the way I thought.
I had been dating someone for a couple of months. We had already become very serious. He was on the phone with his best friend living in Texas and the friend was obviously asking questions about me....where I'm from, what I do, how long I was there visiting, stuff like that. My boyfriend answered, "She's got 2 girls." To which the next question was apparently-"Where are they while she's there?" I'm walking through the kitchen as the question was asked and here was the answer given to the friend....."They're in Tennessee." AND I STOPPED DEAD IN MY TRACKS. You see, for those of you who don't know me, my girls do NOT go to Tennessee. McKENNA goes to Tennessee. Peyton goes to California. It's a consequence of my actions.
He got off the phone.
Me: "Are you ashamed of me?"
Him: "No. Why?"
Me: "Then why did you lie?"
Him: "About what?"
Me: "Really??? My GIRLS don't go to Tennessee. Why didn't you just tell him?"
And here is the answer I got. "You know how we grew up. I just didn't want him to judge you for having two kids by two dads until he gets to know you. I don't want him to think less of you before he meets you in person."
It hit me literally in that moment that he said that. I live in my shame because I LET myself believe the way he was speaking. The fact is, Christ loves me no matter what I do. He died for me. He extends His grace and mercy every day. He tells me that I'm a new creature in Him. He says my sins are as far as the east is from the west when I ask for forgiveness, so why should I live in that shame every day? Why should the girls see that? I got down on my knees that night and begged Him to take that shame away, to take the scales off my eyes and see the beauty that He created from the mess I'd made.
I was told this last year (by that same person) that I sometimes share things that I shouldn't too soon. That I shouldn't tell my story. Here's what I say to that......BOOOOOOOO!
I made mistakes. I learned from them and I grew up. If telling my story helps one person, then it's worth telling...No matter how many times I'm judged. No matter how many times I'm looked down on. (And I've been told more than once, that it HAS helped.) I pour myself out so that people can see how much of a hot mess you can be when God sweeps in and transforms your life into something beautiful from the ashes.
God came to heal the broken. That's me. That's you. He was walking with me EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.....when I acknowledged His presence and even when I didn't. When I fell flat on my face then and when I'm walking tall now.
My story isn't over yet. I know I'll still keep making dumb mistakes. But what's different between then and now is that I have Him as my focus. I don't need that shame anymore. I'll use my story to give Him the glory. And I'm ok with that!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
A 7 Year Old's Point of View....
The girls and I have talked a lot about how sidetracked people can get from following God. How one step turns into two and before long, you look back and you realize just how far off the path you've gotten. Following Christ is not always an easy road, but it's definitely a road that I think (if you stay on it) will bring you more joy and peace than any other. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I still like to do things my way, but I can always see when I'm off and I can tell in my life when it happens. Here's the reason I'm writing this.....I'm extremely proud of how my girls are growing in Christ and understanding.
Last night, I was talking to Peyton about this very topic. And this is what she said:
"It's like when satan had to come out of heaven because he was a bad angel, he tries to get into our hearts where Jesus lives. Even though Jesus lives there, if we're not paying attention, satan cuts a little piece out and puts his piece in there. It makes us not follow Jesus and follow the world instead. But when we ask Jesus to help us and forgive us for what we're doing, Jesus takes that piece out that's satan's and throws it away and puts His piece back in there, so we're following Him again."
Pretty intuitive for a 7 year old. These girls have it. They know. And I'm so excited to see them grow in Christ. I watch them take situations they're put in or see and they tell ME how Jesus is going to work and what He can do for us! And I just keep praying that as they mature, they remember these talks...about being sidetracked, about staying focused on Christ and honoring Him. God will take care of the rest!
Last night, I was talking to Peyton about this very topic. And this is what she said:
"It's like when satan had to come out of heaven because he was a bad angel, he tries to get into our hearts where Jesus lives. Even though Jesus lives there, if we're not paying attention, satan cuts a little piece out and puts his piece in there. It makes us not follow Jesus and follow the world instead. But when we ask Jesus to help us and forgive us for what we're doing, Jesus takes that piece out that's satan's and throws it away and puts His piece back in there, so we're following Him again."
Pretty intuitive for a 7 year old. These girls have it. They know. And I'm so excited to see them grow in Christ. I watch them take situations they're put in or see and they tell ME how Jesus is going to work and what He can do for us! And I just keep praying that as they mature, they remember these talks...about being sidetracked, about staying focused on Christ and honoring Him. God will take care of the rest!
Friday, January 6, 2012
Things I've Learned in the Last Three Weeks...
I don't know how I feel. My head says I should be mad. Or upset. Or hurt. My heart, on the other hand, is a little confused.
I think God allows us to go through trials to mold us and shape us, to draw us closer to Him. But I struggle sometimes with the free will part of the trials. He gives us free will which allows people to do hurtful things like make commitments they don't follow through on, cheating, or lacking the integrity to be honest, no matter how it makes you look or feel. The free will thing is where satan weasels his way in, making you think what you're doing is ok-"it's on the edge of the line, but not over it." In reality, God is watching and probably saying something like "Really? Have you been listening to anything I've been trying to tell you?"
I trust God with all my decisions, whether I like them or whether I don't. I struggled with my move to Chicago this summer that fell through. I almost exercised that free will and took a house on a month to month lease even though there was a possibility that I would've moved there and then not had a place to stay if they'd sold the house. In the end, I prayed and God just didn't give me a peace about it. I decided against going. We tried to figure out why God had blocked every avenue. When a job opportunity came up that could've potentially taken us out of Chicago, we said "that must be why," and when it fell through, it was "it must be something else."
Since December 15th, I've been really questioning and wondering what goes through people's heads. This is what He laid on my heart....BIG TIME:
1. It's My time, not yours. I will lead you to where you need to be when I'm ready.
2. I know the true character of people well before you will see it. Trust Me to protect you. Trust Me to protect the girls.
3. Psalm 15:1-2 "O Lord, who may abide in Your tent? Who may dwell on Your holy hill? He who walks with integrity, and works righteousness, and speaks truth in his heart." (This verse literally came out of nowhere when I was crying out to God for answers. I opened my Bible and came to this verse!)
I'm sad for the people who make decisions and call it "God's." God certainly isn't going to have you begin a path that starts in sin and say "I'm gonna bless you!" I know. I've been there before. You think you know what's good for you and fool yourself into believing it, because it's what you want so badly. I read a quote from King's Cross the other day..."Sometimes, our deepest desires are really just our loudest desires." It hit home.
So, in the end, I'm not angry or mad, or even upset. (Maybe just a little hurt.) I'm thankful for my free will, but I'm even more thankful I'm letting God carve out the path He has for me. So whether His path is a new start in Chicago in August with my two fabulous daughters or something new I'd never dreamed of, I'm ready. And I'm ok with it.
I think God allows us to go through trials to mold us and shape us, to draw us closer to Him. But I struggle sometimes with the free will part of the trials. He gives us free will which allows people to do hurtful things like make commitments they don't follow through on, cheating, or lacking the integrity to be honest, no matter how it makes you look or feel. The free will thing is where satan weasels his way in, making you think what you're doing is ok-"it's on the edge of the line, but not over it." In reality, God is watching and probably saying something like "Really? Have you been listening to anything I've been trying to tell you?"
I trust God with all my decisions, whether I like them or whether I don't. I struggled with my move to Chicago this summer that fell through. I almost exercised that free will and took a house on a month to month lease even though there was a possibility that I would've moved there and then not had a place to stay if they'd sold the house. In the end, I prayed and God just didn't give me a peace about it. I decided against going. We tried to figure out why God had blocked every avenue. When a job opportunity came up that could've potentially taken us out of Chicago, we said "that must be why," and when it fell through, it was "it must be something else."
Since December 15th, I've been really questioning and wondering what goes through people's heads. This is what He laid on my heart....BIG TIME:
1. It's My time, not yours. I will lead you to where you need to be when I'm ready.
2. I know the true character of people well before you will see it. Trust Me to protect you. Trust Me to protect the girls.
3. Psalm 15:1-2 "O Lord, who may abide in Your tent? Who may dwell on Your holy hill? He who walks with integrity, and works righteousness, and speaks truth in his heart." (This verse literally came out of nowhere when I was crying out to God for answers. I opened my Bible and came to this verse!)
I'm sad for the people who make decisions and call it "God's." God certainly isn't going to have you begin a path that starts in sin and say "I'm gonna bless you!" I know. I've been there before. You think you know what's good for you and fool yourself into believing it, because it's what you want so badly. I read a quote from King's Cross the other day..."Sometimes, our deepest desires are really just our loudest desires." It hit home.
So, in the end, I'm not angry or mad, or even upset. (Maybe just a little hurt.) I'm thankful for my free will, but I'm even more thankful I'm letting God carve out the path He has for me. So whether His path is a new start in Chicago in August with my two fabulous daughters or something new I'd never dreamed of, I'm ready. And I'm ok with it.
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